Coming to terms.

So I met this guy.
We had mutual friends,
they suggested we’d meet,
I kinda pondered the intent.
I asked questions before I met him,
like was I his type?
What was he into?
Where was he from?
Why was he never in sight?
I shot him a text, not too much,
something small and polite.
I wanted to make a good impression,
and impact his perception.
His age was a new thing,
he was 24.
I was 18,
but who was really keeping score?
His skin was smooth and soft,
and he smelled so clean.
I liked his walk, I felt his talk,
down to the cuffs in his jeans.
He had this cool way about him,
and was so polite,
not to mention his warm touch.
He was just too much.
I looked at him in disbelief,
because my role was reversed.
I’m used to having the upper hand,
like my game was rehearsed.
He sat me down and made me watch,
without even knowing.
Plus he was anchored in his religion,
I admired his focus.
Yea he made a lot of money,
but that was a bonus.
I was more intrigued by how he operated,
he probably didn’t even notice.
Our little conversations was what I really liked the most.
He pointed out to me school wasn’t a race, and I should take it slow.
I got mad in this checkers line,
the story was kind of funny.
He changed my whole mood saying you get more bees with honey.
His Ora was positive,
he had this kind of light.
He was the example of having peace, and control over your life.
Always busy, getting things done, making sure things ran smoothly.
My mind was deeper,
just his way about him,did something to me.
Forget lust,
It was more respect.
I wanted to learn something.
For him to put me on game,
and have my mind running.
Not really having examples, made me cling to his wave.
I wanted him around to witness me become something great.
I was confused by his standpoint, and what he thought of me.
I started to feel like he was telling me anything to believe.
Maybe it was timing, was it gossip?
Maybe something I don’t know,
maybe he had someone waiting for him every night when he got home.
I know I’m young,
could’ve been that.
Maybe in not in his league,
I just wish I did us different,
maybe I was to easy.
I couldn’t help it, I was excited,
I just wanted to be with him.
I just hope I didn’t sway his mind, due to an impulse made decision.
Until this day it may never be another time around, or another call from him,
He always lets me down.
I don’t regret the time with him,
It was something I had to witness.
I came to terms we were only an experience.

and I would never become Ish’s.

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Black Lives Matter… Or do they?

The chants say it, the yells, screams, shouts, and signs. But who are the people that really believe it? Is it just a trend, a fad, or just a joyous bandwagon of followers with hateful hearts, dried up tears and closed minds bent on revenge and having the upper hand? Could it be a genuine feeling and desire for black lives to actually be in existence? For black lives to contain flesh instead of being a parade of spirits wrapped in stories untold, stereotypes, shattered dreams, and the wonders of what they could have been? Could a black lives matter sign really mean something when it’s only held for another races wrong doing? Or did black lives themselves look past the fact that,the sign could contain so much more substance; when held for the 10 cases of black on black crime counting for every 1 case of unjust from another race? How is it that black lives have somehow found so much hatred towards one another? Yet simultaneously demands respect, value, importance, and equality from individuals of another kind? How hypocritical is it to posses hellish traits of hate, competition, envy, greed, and uncouth;Then hide behind a mask of victimization when targeted? If black lives don’t even matter to black lives, who do they really matter to?

The get back!

I feel so bad for our generation and all that we lack, there’s no doubt in my mind that society won’t be just another recap. There’s no precision, supervision, prevention, or sensible decisions. I look at all the parents and they fall under 30, grandmothers aren’t seasoned, killings happen for no reason, and dying seems more peaceful then the life of a living being. They let trump run for president, to run us in a hole. Then treyvons parents made it worst supporting his standpoint, how cold. He wants to take away abortions, what will happen to food stamps, soon all the neighborhoods will turn to replicas of fema camps. They tried to close the library’s, they cut out the sports, they even closed the pools, then turn and wonder why picking up a gun seems like the more productive thing to do. It’s not even a race thing, the understanding is basic, the lower class people just aren’t suppose to make it. On the tv the news is talking about cheating and kehlani, but overlooked the kids lined up and burned in Africa, where are we? I’m confused on all our guidance, and who’s really behind us. Getting pulled over by the cops just may be someone’s last time here. They don’t come when you call, no ones there to help another’s fall, and jokes and memes on social media just caters to people’s flaws. Even the music is corrupted they all say the same things, the love songs now talk about how guns sound and how a girl won’t get a ring. I wish I had a bigger pedestal to tell my generation some things. Nowadays talentless people all seem to be famous and all the gifted individuals remain nameless. I analyze society and shake my head in shame. I hope that one day we can get back to the unity and love for one another like back in the day.

All that I overlooked…

I was looking around, and my surroundings felt so heavy. It was like negativity became second nature. There was always something to be sad about, mad about, or simply another road block in my track to progression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around my displeasures, and how my hopeful Ora was attracting such frequent downfalls. No change became lead way to the positive and physical surface changes just didn’t do the job. It was something stirring from the inside that lacked ingredients, I needed to seek. I had to question if my happy was actually happiness, if my problems were actual problems, and ultimately if I was even living in my truth. I pondered on how everything had instructions on activation, but I seem to have been placed here with none. I was hit with the rigid reality that I needed to soul search for my life directions,and my journey served as my instructions. I questioned what I overlooked. The simple pleasures in life like nature, 24hour spanned days, people, interest, principals, accurate morals, and most importantly my temple. I was discrediting all the small aspects of life that held the most weight. It was time I payed attention to the delight of waking up to the rich anchored trees, which swayed at the branches.Consistent dependent grass that grows around the same time yearly, protected by nourishing soil. The 24 hours of change that I have power over to manifest a next step, the variety of living energies and all they contain. All the way down to the wonders of the world I had no recollection of even having knowledge, was all that I bypassed. Then stood my morals and protection of me. I had to decipher what made me feel good or bad, drained my energy or stood as a source, and what extent I was willing to go to validate my being. I was thankful for my lowest because it made my realization triumphant. From then on I promised to train my mind for growth, even through short comings.

A Mask

I keep looking for some change, urging for a difference, doing the same things, do I really want things to be different? So many things beneath me, is what I seem to rather do.Between doing right or doing wrong, I can’t choose between the two. What was it gonna take for all my bad habits to shake?Did I have to go in hiding, and use isolation to escape? I needed a scapegoat, to equate to the level which I wanted to elevate. I know I have the power to successfully eliminate.I don’t even want to hear from people who can relate. I want to contemplate on my own and start a new slate. Overcoming is hard, and bettering yourself is a task. But I rather be a better me, instead of hiding behind a mask.

 

Two Days.

I know you felt my vibe.
We witnessed together how energies collide.
You saw past my physical,
if what drew you to me was my eyes.
Your seasoned mind stimulated mine,
and your admirable comments,
made me melt inside.
Although on the outside I’ve mastered how to hide.
I couldn’t deny all my butterflies inside.
You opened the door to follow your lead,
You had me asking God “what could this mean?”
You made me feel secure, protected,and loved.
was this a new beginning?
I pictured our future ,and you shoulda saw us winning.
I payed attention to your stroll,
I gained respect for how you roll.
I made up my mind to ignore outside Info
I could be told.
It felt so good in your embrace.
I think we could compromise with give and take.
I know this whole thing was sudden,
Not many can relate.
You sold me dreams, had me imagining us doing it all.
Now I’m looking at my phone, anxiously waiting for your call.
I knew I shocked you, when I showed you the other side of me.
I just wanted to express to you, how good
this could be.
I like your style, I love your smile, and I feed off your energy.
I can’t believe this experience happened to me.
Was it all true? Or did you lie?
It felt so genuine, I felt so alive.
I can’t get you off my brain, I hope you don’t refrain… Refrain from pursuing this whole thing.
Was it all a game?
The only word to describe my feeling is amazed.
I know people will think I’m crazy if I told them,
this was all in two days.

20.

Another year on this earth
I’ll take all that it’s worth
Staying determined, pushing forward
Never slacking, but hard work.
I know what’s my happy
The true want to progress
Reaching heights with all my might
So many thoughts I can’t sleep at night
I know success is for me
It’s right in my sight!
When I get it,I promise to hold on to it tight
I know it’s for me, cause I’m hungry,
I know the worlds gonna love me!
Yea I did it, imma be winning,
Holding it down for all the women!
I’m proud of where I came from.
It built my foundation.
Y’all gone see me on tv like
Ain’t that the girl from frankford?
I got this thing down pack,
I’m just perfecting my craft.
I be looking at my doubters
knowing I’ll have the last laugh.
Rainy days will come
And so will days that’s sunny.
But I’m just thankful I can say
I made it to see 20.

ALIIIIVE!

Everything one stands for should be rooted from self love. Love for yourself so deep that a difference in opinion or someone’s inability to recognize all that you contain, can roll off your shoulder like a distant memory. Love so deep that settling is not a option, but your security within leads to compromise because you are just that content. Love so deep ,that you won’t proceede in alterations to your flaws. Due to you plummeting  yourself so far in your own appreciation ,you’ve found the beauty in each one of them to stand as their own truth. Love so deep, that negativity of any short doesn’t premier in your characteristics. Fixating yourself into knowing your only worthy the positive end of every barrier thrown your way, guides your understanding. Love so deep, that your view on the world is so purposeful that you feel you owe yourself the knowledge of it all as a result of your reason for existence. With self love standing as your base, structure, and drive… There’s not other feeling to feel but completely ALIIIIVE!

Nice to meet you, I’m Santi.

Allow me to thoroughly introduce myself. I am a hurt, guarded, free spirited, accepting, soulful, empathetic, intuitive young female. I have been a witness to many options of lifestyles; leading me to believe that my reason for being is nothing short of purposeful. I’ve experienced having it all, to facing the motions of change, to having close to nothing. Bringing me back to appreciate all the entities life has to offer. I always see to coincide with individuals who have a gravitational connection to me. Effortlessly these create lifetime relations where I tend to play the confiding, supportive, mind swaying, loyal cousin, friend, associate, daughter, and god willing one day mother. Sounding like a worthy role; its rather draining, but I appreciate my ability to uplift. I’m often talked about, branched from pondering thoughts of people who have no idea who I really am. ironically, if I weighed my options those people probably would never have the satisfaction of coming in close connection with such a tedious, intricately made being like myself anyway. So I see them like its their job, they boost me. I am a jack of all trades. Blessed with the luxury of being able to master task in a natural sense. I operate in a strategic, balancing, decision making way, recognizing that my actions do not just happen and stop. But everything incorporating them has an outcome. Then i have times where my feelings over power my choices and things can go really right, or really wrong. But that’s just another imperfection to perfect. I’ve come to the realization that i am a walking emotion. I feel that everything does matter and has meaning, and my ultimate goal in life is to be surrounded by people who emulate genuine characteristics, like myself. Simultaneously I’ve grown to maintain my composure against people who are simply not capable of allowing my personality to flourish, and I’m content with that. Past situations in my life have built my base of character. However, being mindful that my struggles are my pedestals is what ushers me to add mishaps to my tough exterior, and sport them as badges of honor. Maturing and experiencing displayed to me how much knowledge of life i actually lacked. How my eyes weren’t as wide to the obvious in front of me, how my ears didn’t actually comprehend as i imagined, and how much of a clouded mind I’ve obtained. Deprived of answers to some direction, i was forced to seek the what if’s on my own. In this crazy thing called life I’m just trying to right my wrongs so when its all over, I’m stamped in remembrance and Santi will still exist even when I’m physically gone.